Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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