so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
