I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
