There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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