Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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