he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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