i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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