Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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