my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
