I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
