I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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