if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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