His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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