i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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