Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
