ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
