he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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