Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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