Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
