Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
