So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
