btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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