Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
