just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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