So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
just tell him i said nine months
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
