i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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