A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
