My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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