I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
