if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
