my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
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i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
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Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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