My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
