I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
do nipples grow back?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
