8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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