Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
