I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
