I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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