I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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