I heard we made out
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
