I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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