Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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