My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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