saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
