Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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