I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
