If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
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The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
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Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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