Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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