Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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