Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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