You're like the curious george of whores
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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