Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
pop tarts are not kleenex
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
