So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
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the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
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Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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