why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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