I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
