if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
