We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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