Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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