just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
its liver damage thursday
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
