Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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