I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
